• Joe For President






    Really, Joe For President, really.  Well after two minutes of contemplation and a couple of Jolt Colas I have decided to throw my hat in the ring.  The only hat I could find was a hoody from the 99-cent store and the ring around my tub from a Saturday night bath was appropriate for a serious candidate such as myself.  But I’m in the fray until the end or whenever it becomes inconvenient.


    Campaign Funding?  Well I did find a quarter on the road while walking Sam, my dog, but haven’t yet decided which media buy I’m going to make.  Should you wish to donate to the Ollivier Presidential Juggernaut, you can send all checks made out to me personally, c/o the Hideaway Bank, General Delivery, Grand Cayman, British West Indies.


    My platform is based on observations during my tenure here on earth.  Just a few to get your blood pressure up.


    1. Every High School Graduate or 18-year-old goes into the military or community service for a year, no exceptions -.  Live in barracks, learn discipline and a trade.  The

    Contentious Objectors can work in the parks, clean up streets, etc, but all go through a basic training similar in intensity to the Armed Forces.

    1. Legalize Drugs – Get your Heroin on sale at Wal-Mart – takes all of the criminality and money out of the drug trade and many of the potheads will be gone shortly.  Commit a felony while on drugs – two choices – be turned over to Sheriff Bastamundo on the border to be dressed in Pink PJ’s and marched around the desert raising rutabagas and chasing scorpions, or up to a new federal prison in Northern North Dakota where you can have all the drugs you want 24/7 but can’t get out until you’ve served your sentence or the hearse comes for you.  The Federal Government imposes a 10% tax on all drugs sold.  Crime plummets because there is no incentive to commit felonies to get money for drugs, which would be cheap as aspirin.  Know there is a moral question, but the DEA just spends billions a year without result.
    2. Stop telling our enemies what we are going to do in the future – such as “withdrawing 30,000 troops from Afghanistan next year”.  Don’t say nothin’, give em a little surprise once and a while, like completely wiping out an Al Queada headquarters right before a ceasefire.  Stop being the world’s policeman – turn Iraq and Afghanistan over to the nincompoop tribesmen and let them have at one another – civil war will happen once we leave anyway.  Why pay Billions to the current idiot leaders to slow the inevitable.  That money is ending up in personal Swiss Bank accounts anyway.  Think what we could do with that money – if nothing else pay down the national debt.
    3. Flat Tax – everyone who makes $30,000 or more pays 15%, regardless of income.  No deductions, period. No capital gains, no home interest deductions, nothing.  Businesses tax reformation will be a bit tricky, but no expense accounts as a starter.
    4. Call out the Nat’l guard and seal the border with Mexico against illegal aliens – build the wall 100 feet deep and 50 ft tall and enforce it.
    5. Every recipient who receives any kind of a government check takes a 5% cut right now – Social Security recipients, welfare cases, government employees, everyone.  Only exemption would be the military – they could volunteer to take a cut for the good of the country if they wanted to – and my guess is that over 90% would.
    6. All government agencies cut 10% of their current budget.  Where do all of these laid off workers go?  The Civilian Conservation Corp (CCC’s) was a great place for unemployed to go during the 1930’s depression.  You got a small wage, room and board (in decent housing camps) and were trained in a trade.  The Corp would work on any project that created value, such as national parks, or rebuilding simple structures.  Complicated, yes, doable, absolutely.
    7. Medical Care – everyone pays $25 federal tax when they come to the hospital as a co pay, no exceptions.   Have absolutely no money- not even the $25, we’ll loan it to you – sign a note. While politicians whine, in reality you can go to any hospital in this country right now, whether you have a dime or not, and get checked out for anything from a hangnail to a heart attack – which millions do daily including all of the illegal’s in our country.
    8. Tort Reform – All lawsuits in this country are filed with a binding arbitration board.  Before filing however the complainant has to put up cash or a bond that will cover the expected legal fees of the other party if they lose.  The lawyers are really the ones responsible for the high cost of drugs, insurance, on and on.  That’s why you can order drugs from Canada or India (where the Canadians get them anyway) for sometimes one tenth of the cost in the US.
    9. Election Reform.  Process starts six months before the election, no sooner.  At that point there are live presentations from anyone who wants to be president – 20 minutes each – round the clock TV until everyone has had their shot – may even take a week or so.  Also anyone who wants to run also has to submit a summary (platform) of what they intend to do as the countries leader – to be published in all regional and national newspapers.  Independent Polls taken after this and if you have half percent favorable votes, you move on to second presentation and then debates.  But no election campaigning or money raising/spending at this point.  Four months before the election, polls are again taken, if you have 1% voter support, you can borrow up to $5,000,000 from the Federal Government to spend on your election – not a dollar more – no donations, no money raising, nothing other than the 5MM – spend it any way you want.  Then there are weekly debates right up until the election.


    I’d implement a bunch of other common sense policies right away – balanced budget, closing the post office on Saturdays, term limits, no paid pensions for congressmen or senators, Congress subject to the same rules as the rest of us, $5000 tax credit for first time home buyers who buy a new home or a foreclosed one, uniforms for all K-12 students (no exceptions), 75% reduction in Foreign Aid, no farm subsidies, increased spending on domestic programs to raise the standard of living and give a safety net for everyone, authorize full strike capabilities against all enemies – just like Osama Bin Laden – no respecter of borders or regimes, etc.


    Sort of an overall benevolent champion?  Possible, with the right charismatic leader, and with the right language and honesty, I think that the citizens of America are ready to support such a person – Joe Ollivier to the rescue.  All of the implementation of the above programs would turn our deficit into a surplus within one year.


    Who would help with this entire ambitious plan?  Mostly my cabinet would be the bike (no, not motorcycles, just street bikes) geezer guys that meet me at Norms for breakfast.


    And as additional appointees.


    Secretary of State – Condoleezza Rice


    Secretary of Treasury – Warren Buffett


    Secretary of Health and  – Bill Gates

    And Human Services


    White House Barber – Donald Trump


    Attorney General – TV Judge Joe Brown


    Secretary of Defense – Chuck Norris


    Secretary of Energy – Boone Pickens


    Secretary of Transportation – Dale Earnhardt Jr.


    Civil Rights – Magic Johnson


    Secretary of Housing and Urban – Ron Paul



    Department of Education – My third grade teacher Mrs. White


    Homeland Security – Navel Seal Team Seven




    “If drafted I will not run, if nominated I will not accept, if elected, I will not serve”.


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